October 8, 2016
As I set through yet another long lonely night listening to music from my past and holding on to the memories of the dreams I once had, I think about all the choices that have brought me here. Those once glorious dreams I had all those years ago and watched as each one was shattered and fell by the wayside. As I come to the point in the year that is hardest for me to make it through, I have to wonder if I had the chance would I change any of those choices that directed my dreams to fall and my path to be so alone and painful.
Looking back at all those choices I have made and at the consequences each of those choices had. I really would only change one of those choices, not for myself but for the effects it had on someone else. All the rest I would leave the same for the simple fact that any other choice that I could have made at any of those times would have made me a different person. I like the person that I have made myself into over the long years of my life. No matter the pain I feel or the sorrow that lies in the depth of my being, the person I am is worth the suffering I go through every day. I’m not a perfect person by any means and I still have faults but, in my heart, I know the love I feel for family and friends is what truly matters in my life.
So, I sit here in the dark lonely night, listening to the music of my past thinking and quietly crying for what I never found. The dreams that have failed me, the hopes that have left me, and the promises that never were fulfilled only keep me looking for that something I just have not been able to find.
No longer do I even try to create new dreams that won’t come about, I just try to be there for friends and family if they need me. I hide my feelings from the world and wonder is it worth it or not? The places I used to go have changed or are gone but my memories still don’t fade. I must keep wondering if any of the women I have ever loved still remember me from time to time. I really don’t think so anymore. Maybe I was too timid or just made the wrong choice at the time to get any of them to truly fall in love with me. Who would I tell and who would listen to me without judging me without knowing? The shadows of the past still haunt me, and they probably always will. Still the choices I have made I will stand by.
I suppose it comes down to this, I am the person I want to be inside but not in my life. How do you change one without changing the other? I really don’t think there is a way to do that so I will keep my misery and go on if I can. I will eventually find someone to complete myself or die. My only wish is that one or the other happens soon because it does get harder each year to continue down this road. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to walk this road before going insane. So, to my friends and family I give my love and caring that I must give with hopes of being able to find more someday.